I've got illegals in my bottom.

OH HAI SLAPPERS, 

So I know I've been dreadfully absent from Buzznet for MONTHS, and I don't even have a legit excuse. I was hardcore into Buzznet last semester at uni, and then when the holidays came, I just got really lazy and started rolling around on Twitter and reading an arseload of books. It wasn't even like I was going through one of the requisite OMG-I-HATE-BUZZNET-SO-MUCH phases, I just got really fucking lazy and couldnt be bothered to take photos and post content and spend hours on the site each day. Which is ironic, considering I was on holidays and had nothing else to do. ;]

Hopefully I can kick my arse out of gear and come back and harass you all, because I totes forgot how much awesome content everybody posts, and how much fun it is to picspam the fuck out of everybody with bad macros.

So what have I been doing? I hear you ask

Either a whole lot, or nothing much at all. In a nutshell, I went to Samoa for a couple of weeks in the Winter holidays (our Winter, probably your Summer), for a holiday that I was really dreading, not gonna lie. I could spend hours on how/why, but I'll save that for another time. Just know that it was a family reunion >_> Samoa ended up being quite fun, though extremely hot and I had the shits pretty much the entire time. (TMI? TMI.) I'll probably do a journal and post the assload of photos I took of that holiday.

And in case you're wondering, yeah I am half Samoan, so that's why the reunion was there - not just because my family is special and wanted to pick some hella obscure place that half the population couldn't point to on the map.

In a nutshell, I visited Robert Louis Stevenson's house - he wrote Treasure Island and 'Jekyll & Hyde, got a cold from visiting this awesome cave pool in Piula, had cotton tips stuck up my nose to test for Swine Flu *shudders*, went to a Fiafia night at Aggie Grey's (google it), chased pigs around with my camera, and had dinner with the Head of State and former Prime Minister of Samoa, Tui Atua. He's got a long official name, but you probably wouldn't be able to read that, much less pronounce it (god knows I couldnt).

Other than that, I've started back at uni, and decided Im going to defer next semester to have a break. I'll be resuming my studies after 6 months, but Im finding myself getting really mentally and physically fucking exhausted these days D: though I will be at uni heaps anyway, because Im a nerd and I do too many extracurricular activities. Also, I got into Golden Key which I'd been aiming for, and at student mentoring I got to tell a whole bunch of prospective students that they were probably going to be raped and murdered :)

SO YEAH OMG IM BACK HI IM BACK IM BACK (lol does anybody care?)

^_^

Being a fan of the Evil Dead franchise, I had high hopes for Sam Raimi's latest venture, Drag Me To Hell. Despite the fact that the trailer resembled The Unborn, I hoped that the film would somehow be secretly awesome and blow my mind. Yeah, didn't happen. The film was an amalgamation of terrible acting, rushed mythology, and was so unintentionally hilarious that I could have sworn it was a parody of the horror genre. I reluctantly plodded along through the film, and as the journal title suggests, it was a complete and utter waste of time.

In case you've been living under a rock, and that rock doesn't happen to have internet access, you'd have seen the Buzznet header for Raimi's flick Drag Me To Hell. Starring Alison Lohman and Justin Long, 'Hell revolves around loan officer Christine Brown, who becomes the subject of a curse after rejecting a request for a loan extension by Roberta Sparrow's leper sister - a cadaverous, bung-eyed old woman with a penchant for vomiting into peoples' mouths.

The rest of the film centres around Christine's wild goose chase to rid herself of the curse, before she's dragged to hell by a Lamia in three days time. Wikipedia tells me that a lamia is some sort of demonic goddess with a penchant for eating children, although this is never clearly explained, and I spent the majority of the film wondering if she was being possessed by evil labia. I reckon being dragged to hell by a flaming vagina wouldn't be too bad.

*SPOILERS* (highlight to check them out) *SPOILERS*

Christine thinks she gets rid of the curse, doesn't, and then accidentally curses her boyfriend as well before being dragged to hell.

THERE IS A TALKING GOAT IN THE MOVIE. A TALKING, POSSESSED GOAT.

As was the case with The Unborn, 'Hell's mythology had so much potential, but was so rushed and messy that it left the viewer confused and wasn't cohesive in the least. Raimi brings in themes of animal sacrifice, mediums, seances and possession, all of which prove fucking useless and I'm still unable to figure out why he bothered including them at all.

The film also fails completely at scaring the audience, with Raimi opting for a small amount of typical 'OMG LOOK BEHIND YOU' scares. These fall flat, as can be expected, with the film instead succeeding in utterly grossing out the viewer. Excessive amounts of mucus, vomit, bugs and what appears to be fecal matter were utilised, only serving to distract the audience as they run for the bucket or toilet bowl. I can't help but wonder if Raimi has grown out of touch over the years, or has tried to avoid a typically gory horror-pr0nz approach and instead produced something much worse.

The worst part of this film definitely lies in the acting, with Lohman and Long being a case of potentially amazing actors stuck in a terrible film. Lohman was awkward to watch as the pathetic former-fat girl, and Long's performance was so restrained that it was painful to watch him portray an uncharacteristically serious and uptight boyfriend.

Any comedy came as a result of the horrendous storyline and acting rather than Long's comedic timing, as the film tries for serious horror and ends up somewhere in the Z-grade guttertrash pile. It's worth watching purely on the basis that it's so unintentionally hilarious, but if you're not a sad, lonely, yobbo like me, there's better things you could do with your time. Like masturbating. I mean, what?

Rating: 2/5

Here's a horrendous mixtape I compiled for Baylie as part of the International Mixtrade Group :D the theme was 'Current Picks', so I bring you some of the music that's been featured on my mp3 player as of late. HERE, HAVE SOME IRRELEVANT LOLZ TOO:

It's Alright, Okay - Ashley Tisdale:
Ugh this song is so disturbingly catchy, and reminiscent of Kelly Clarkson except far less annoying. (Note: I hate Kelly Clarkson).

Banpire Dinosaur - Adam Paranoia ft. Stevie Ryan:
"This bitch was straight up ghetto, gave me wood like her name was Geppetto" - NUFF SAID.

Boner - Straight Outta Junior High
"Got a boner. In class. Class is over. I got that boner back" BEST LYRICS EVER, Y/Y?

Good Girls Go Bad - Cobra Starship ft. Leighton Meester:
I originally downloaded this because I love Leighton Meester, and it's so disturbingly catchy *__*

Cool Sewong - The Totally Cool Guys:
LOL my friends made this song as part of a mockumentary, my only guess is that it's parodying the Aussie hiphop scene. Clearly they're politically aware, as this song is about sluts trying to scab some of your Centrelink benefits ;]

Dont Trust Me - 3OH!3:
UGH WHY IS THIS SONG SO RIDICULOUSLY CATCHY. They play it on the radio all the time here, but they play this completely butchered ~clean version which is just fucked.

GTFO Zombie on my Back - Adam Paranoia:
"I got a zombie on my back, GET THE FUCK OFF"

Beautiful - Late Night Alumni:
I discovered these guys because MichellePhan uses their music in her makeup tutorial videos (I've been on a makeup tutorial kick lately), and it's such pretty easy listening music.

Empty Streets - Late Night Alumni:
See above. This music is perfect for sitting on a train at night, watching the city lights go by ^_^

Scaries That Bite - Adam Paranoia ft. Stevie Ryan:
"I'm the dark spectre walkin' the halls, I got ectoplasm in my balls" - can you tell I've been listening to a lot of Adam Paranoia lately? Adam Scott Franklin and Stevie Ryan are pretty much geniuses, check out their Scene Love series and other lulzy videos :D

Zombie Blood - Adam Paranoia:
This song is pretty much the best thing in existence. If nothing else, there's amusing impressions of Fred Durst and Julia Stiles ;]

Why Don't We Do It In The Road - Across the Universe OST:
BEST MOVIE EVAR, Y/Y?

Helter Skelter - Across the Universe OST:
^_^ Dana Fuchs makes me want to break out into song on public transport.

With a Little Help From My Friends - Across the Universe OST:
I have this movie recorded on my Austar box, and I watch it whenever I get a chance. I probably need to get the dvd, but I'm awfully stingey ;] While Jim Sturgess is hot and the better singer, Max is ultmately my favourite character from the movie <3

I've Just Seen A Face - Across the Universe OST:
Jim Sturgess! *humps*

This Is Halloween - Nightmare Before Christmas OST:
Danny Elfman should never stop being a genius.

Inside Of You - Infant Sorrow:
TEACH ME HOW TO GLOW, WHILE IM MOVING INSIDE YOUUUUUUUUUU. You might recognise this from Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Pokemon Theme - 2BA Master OST:
Revisiting my childhood, obv. :D I remember when I was a kid I knew all the pokemon raps at the end of the show off by heart. Evidently I was a lonely child.

Sendspace

Recently I've come to accept that Hollywood no longer possesses a single shred of originality, and while I don't approve of any of the shiteous remakes or adaptations they've churned out as of late, I've learned to contain the inner enraged fangirl and act like I don't give a shit. Unfortunately, the obnoxious fangirl in me has temporarily escaped from her bubble and I feel like one of those enraged fanboys that spent the entire Supanova convention huddled over by the Watchmen merch, debating over how well Ozymandias translated on the big screen.

Warner recently acquired the rights to the Death Note manga, specifically having acquired the "rights to turn the Japanese manga series "Death Note" into a live-action film". NEVER MIND THAT THE LIVE ACTION FILM HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE. TWICE. I know I'm a totally biased purist douchebag, but those films were incredible, and so faithful to the source text that the Death Note fan really couldn't ask for anything more.

While I can imagine Hollywood will do a fantastic job with special effects in terms of animating Ryuk, Rem, and the shinigami realm, they were so well done in the first place, that Ryuk and Rem ceased to be CGI characters - they looked like they were actually there. This isn't some George Lucas shit, it looked like you could literally reach out and give Ryuk a crate of apples if you wanted.

Seeing as Warner have only just acquired rights to the project, and casting hasn't even begun, I guess I'll hold my tongue (fingers?) on the subject until more information is available. Who knows, they could do a really great job with casting, and Misa Amane could be made significantly less annoying. Until we hear more I guess I'll just wait and hope that they don't universally fuck it up, Dragonball Evolution style. >_>

Bleurgh, I had another shitty day, so let's all laugh like spazzes at lolcats and listen to some happy music!

Samuel L Jackson - Stackolee
This song is from the Black Snake Moan OST and it seriously gets stuck in my head all the time. Mainly the part where he sings about putting 'nine of my bullets in his motherfucking chest!' LOL SUCH HAPPY MUSIC. But seriously, it's an awesome song and makes me want to gyrate up against lamp posts.

SMAP - Sekai Ni Hitotsu Dake No Hana
Translating to 'One and only flower in the world', this is the #1 all time song in Japan, and it's pretty much the cutest thing ever :D My Japanese teacher introduced us to it ages ago, and we sung it terribly to some Japanese exchange students once. SMAP are like the Japanese version of the Backstreet Boys. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG WITH THAT.

Steps - 5,6,7,8
I'm pretty sure this is the greatest pop song to come out of the 90s, with the lamest video ;] I think my grade danced to this during a school musical once :| NGL, I still prefer Steps' version of Tragedy to the BeeGees. *hides*

The Disables - Damned If You Do
An Aussie punk band from my state's capital city, and I when I say 'punk' I don't mean ZOMG SIMPLE PLAN AND GOOD CHARLOTTE R SEW ~PUNK!!!1!!shiftone!!!! I saw them at a festival a few years ago, and aside from jizzing my pants over how awesome they were, the singer was wearing shoes with green leopard print fur on them. GREEN LEOPARD PRINT FUR. :D

The Spazzys - Paco Doesn't Love Me
LOL so many aussies seem to hate The Spazzys, but I think they're totally adorable. Sure, this all-girl aussie tribute to The Ramones were a straight up retarded choice to support Marilyn Manson on his 2007 tour (or was it 2006? fuck I can't remember), but they take the piss out of themselves and that's good in my book.

The Streets - You're Fit But You Know It
Ahhhh Mike Skinner <3 I can't say I'm a fan of chavvy white English boys rapping, but there's something endearing in Mike Skinner's rapping about the hot chick he saw at the fish and chip shop.

Lindsay Lohan - Ultimate
NGL, I fucking love this song. LiLo performed this song in the Freaky Friday movie, and it's just really cute and catchy. It's the song she plays at the wedding during the credits. :) LOL I'M SO SAD

Violent Femmes - Blister In The Sun
You can't make a happiness/summery mixtape without including this. ^_^ It makes me smile like a creeper on public transport whenever it comes on my mp3 player, and I can't help but be reminded of their set during 2007 Big Day Out. There were 2 middle aged stoner ladies behind me that looked like Barbara Streisand, and this sloshed guy in front of me kept yelling "WE'RE GUNNA GET MOSHED OUT BY OLDIES!" :D ahhh good times.

Killing Heidi - Weir
Ahhhh more Killing Heidi. <3 this song makes me want to go dreadlock my hair and eat weed-filled cookies in Byron Bay.

Zooey Deschanel & Munchausen By Proxy - Yes Man
Obviously off the Yes Man OST, I swear I could have made this mixtape have all Zooey Deschanel songs. She's just so adorable, and can do no wrong in my biased brain. ^_^

 

Download: Sendspace

Like I said in my previous post, I couldn't narrow my Happiness Mixtape down to just a few songs, so I had to make 903485902830598 mixtapes. Or like 3. >_> I had to spend the majority of today at uni, working on a group assignment and being molested by bugs. Bugs. As in plural. /dies

SO IT'S TIME FOR MOAR HAPPY MUSIC! :D

Killing Heidi - Calm Down
I haven't heard anything from them in years, but Ella Hooper and the rest of the members of Killing Heidi (don't you love it how the men in female fronted bands don't seem to have names ;P) were once the shit on the Aussie rock scene.

Frenzal Rhomb - Never Had So Much Fun
These guys are fucking hilarious, and you can't go wrong with an Aussie band that pays the shit out of Russell Crowe and his abomination of a 'band'.

Frenzal Rhomb - Punch In The Face
Because all we need is a punch in the face.

Straight Outta Junior High - Happy Fun Song
I discovered this band when I was in the 10th grade, and I've since been addicted to this hilarious song which is actually just an amalgamation of Japanese and non-Japanese words. NINTENDO MOJO JOJO TAE KWON DO QUASIMODO!

Shakira & Danzig - Hips Don't Lie
Watch this video or I'll stab you :D

Infant Sorrow - Inside of You
Because I would like nothing more than to be inside of you ;] From the Forgetting Sarah Marshall OST, performed by Russell Brand /humps

Kate Miller-Heidke - Australian Idol
Seriously, she's so fucking amazing, I just want to put her in a box and poke her with a stick. This song is all about how shitty the American/Australian Idol machine is, and how they're letting fatties on there these days.

Kate Miller-Heidke - Words
akjdlaskjdlkjaslkdjaslkd :D

Josh Pyke - Kids Don't Sell Their Hopes So Fast
Josh Pyke is an awesome pop/folksy Aussie artist, and ugh hes so adorable and really amusing. I totally molested him and got him to sign my arm once upon a time.

Dropkick Murphys - Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced
/humps FUCK YES UGH

Missy Higgins - Scar
Heaps of Aussies hate Missy Higgins, but I think she's totally adorable. Even if I still maintain that in this song she's talking about scrubbing her arse with soap.

Nikki Webster - Strawberry Kisses
AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAA. Even better than Miley Cyrus.

Rogue Traders - Way To Go
Even more Aussies hate Natalie Bassingthwaighte and the Rogue Traders, but I think they're fierce >_>

Download: Sendspace

 

Because I am an indecisive twat, and couldn't bare to give dear Mr El Rich only a few songs for this Mixtrade, I decided to separate my mixtape into three parts. Enjoy!

The Muffs - Kids in America

Is this an eczema commercial or what?

Okay, if the name The Muffs wasn't lulzy enough, this song is the opener for the iconic 90s movie Clueless, and even though I'm no longer a child and have never been close to America, it makes me want to dance like a spazz at the best of times.

 

The Weekend - Into the Morning

While it's become pretty much the in-thing to blend synth and pop rock these days, I discovered this little known Canadian band The Weekend back in 2004 when their track 'Into the Morning' appeared on the soundtrack for the horrific kids movie, D.E.B.S. Sure that movie was terribly cheesy and definitely wasn't up for any Oscars that year, but this song encapsulates the stereotypical teenage years perfectly (although I definitely didn't experience those :|) - young love, peach drop martinis, and skipping class just to sit in the parking lot.

 

Pokemon Theme - 2 B A Master HOW COULD YOU NOT?!

 

Miley Cyrus - Full Circle

NGL, I fucking love Miley Cyrus, and despite all her raunchy photos and escapades, her music is cute. This song is adorable, and I totes wanted to laugh over the idea of El Rich listening to this LOLOL.

 

Supergrass - Alright

This song was on the Clueless soundtrack too, and it makes me want to drive around in my non-existent car with the top down, flailing around with a bad haircut. :)

 

Rod & Kevin - Cool Beans

Seriously, if you haven't seen Hot Rod and the scene this is from, YOU FAIL AT LIFE. Greatest movie ever. <3 Andy Samberg

 

28 Days - What's The Deal?

An aussie band that are kind of an amalgamation of rock, rap and turntabling. Probably sounds like everything from your worst nightmare, but it somehow works. This song is all about getting plastered on the beach with your family and friends, and having done a little bit of cocaine on the side ;]

 

Baha Men - Who Let The Dogs Out? AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Need I say more?

 

Barry Louis Polisar - All I Want Is You

This song appears on the Juno soundtrack, and even though this guy's work is supposedly ~comedic in nature, I think his songs are adorable. Better than Billy Ray Cyrus, at any rate ;]

 

Basement Jaxx - Romeo This song makes me want to star in a Bollywood movie. Listen to it, and check out the video and tell me you don't want to do that ;O

 

Bernard Fanning - Wish You Well

Pretty much my country's finest export (when I talk about my country, I feel like a European immigrant talking about life in the 'old country' XD), Bernard Fanning from Powderfinger's solo project made me really happy in my pants. FUCK SILVERCHAIR.

 

Download: Sendspace

 

The next ones will be up whenever the internet decides it doesn't hate me :) Lmfao @ my random appalling music taste

In 2009, it would seem we're more environmentally conscious than ever. In the good ol' 90s, if somebody had said 'climate change', 'global warming', or 'hybrid cars' I probably would have thrown a pikachu doll at them and went on with my day. Granted, I was like 7, but you know what I mean. In the face of global warming, going green is more popular than ever, with celebs like Hayden Panettiere and Pete Wentz all doing their part for our cosy little planet. But being enviro-conscious can sometimes seem expensive, out of our reach, and just plain weird, so I'm here to show you how you can be green, and adorable too ;D

Take off that burlap sack, throw on some organic 100% cotton, and frolic with me through the interwebz!

 

Cutting down on carbon emissions is on everybody's agenda these days, so why not plant something in this adorable little rainboot, and water it with your trusty watering can, making up for that gas guzzling car of yours. Better still, use your adorable little Taterpot to grow some noms which you can then take to work/school in your cute little lunchbox, and reusable coffee cup, effectively cutting down on litter and wasteful packaging.

This kitchen timer isn't too green, but I'm sure you'd smile like a spazz using it to cook organic vegan cookies which you'd then send to me ;]. Clean up after your Betty Crocker escapades with one of these dishtowels, and relax with a good eco-inspired book, and cup of green tea using these adorable little coasters.

If you feel like the economic crisis is hitting you hard, and you can't afford to watch your carbon footprint, never fear because I have another glorious solution for you. This Readymade book on How to Make (Almost Anything) will have you recycling and reusing in no time, making use of all the things you already have! No need to shell out for a Prius, you can make a difference with your wardrobe, furniture, and that collection of David Hasselhoff merchandise I know you secretly have.

And why not get others to go adorably green too, with this Eggling as a gift, and these cute celebration themed envirobags are an appropriate alternative to wrapping paper.

These are only a few suggestions, but with the popularity and awareness of environmental friendliness only continuing to rise, there's soon to be a green option for everything. Yes, even David Hasselhoff merchandise. So what are you doing for Earth Day? And what 'Green' things do you use to help the Earth?

Okay, so I know some people on Buzznet do haiku movie reviews, but I'm utterly shiteous at haikus, and poetry of any sort kinda makes me want to light myself on fire. But having stumbled across Musebin some time ago, I thought I'd try my hand at one line movie reviews.

OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS JOURNAL EDITOR

Dead Like Me: Life After Death: No Rube, but jizzworthy Desmond from LOST, not enough Mason, and a George/Reggie storyline that will make you bawl your eyes out like a condom full of illicit substances just tore in your rectal cavity (okay maybe that's just me)

Transporter 3: Not enough nakey Statham, and the monstrous Ukrainian rangah chick with too much eyeliner is annoying D:

Watchmen: Blue space penis, hot Jeffrey Dean Morgan, blue space penis, unfunfunf Rorschach, blue space penis, awkward googly eyed sex, blue space penis.

The Boat That Rocked: Fat naked Nick Frost, more lulz than Ronnie Radke's prison band, a kickass soundtrack, reused condoms and hot TomStu :D

The Uninvited: Testing your body temperature rectally is probably more exciting /faps over Emily Browning

The Unborn: Unless you like terrible actors and Odette Yustman's bony ass, you'll end up wanting to kick small children - AND HOW THE FUCK DID THEY GET CRAZY GARY OLDMAN ON BOARD FOR THIS CINEMATIC TURD? D;

Anybody who knows me would know that I love my J-horror (in this case, Korean horror) and that Im an anal-retentive purist at heart. I love my movies, and I love them just the way they are. So when I heard that the Korean horror classic A Tale of Two Sisters was being remade for the Western market, I found myself wanting to take a giant shit on that directors doorstep. Fortunately for him, upon watching the film my opinion changed entirely...

A Tale of Two Sisters revolves around whom the title suggests, two sisters. The story begins with one sisters return from a psychiatric hospital after the traumatic death of her mother. Welcomed home by the other sister, she has trouble readjusting to home life, especially with the new addition of her fathers new girlfriend. The new girlfriend is your typical run-of-the-mill evil stepmother, willing to fuck your father and fuck you over at the same time.



As far as The Uninvited goes, this is where the similarities end. The film commences with Anna (Emily Browning) being permitted to leave the mental hospital, much to the dismay of a fellow patient who wonders who she will
tell her stories to. When Anna arrives home, shes welcomed by her father (David Strathairn), sister Alex (Ariel Kebbel), and new stepmother, the wonderfully creepy Elizabeth Banks.

A mere 10 months earlier, Anna and Alexs terminally ill mother was killed when their boathouse exploded - a night Anna has been struggling to remember ever since. At the encouragement of her sister, Anna begins to suspect her stepmother Rachel (Banks) of engineering the explosion while working for the family as a nurse - so as to have the father all to herself. Anna learns that her stepmother may actually be a woman named Mildred Kemp, murderer of 3 children and their dying mother as part of a romantic obsession.

~*SPOILERS*~
The film reaches a climax as Annas perceptions of reality begin to waver, and the sisters find themselves stalked and drugged by their sinister stepmother, only to find that same woman butchered in a trunk a few moments later. Conveniently, Annas father chooses that moment to arrive home from a business trip, finding his daughter bloodied and brandishing a butchers knife. Hysterical over the possible death of his her sister, and confused about her stepmothers sudden demise, Anna learns from her father that not only is Alex dead - shes been dead for 10 months now.

Countless loose ends are tied up as Anna is finally able to recall the night of the explosion. Furious upon finding her father fucking the nurse, Anna storms down to the boathouse where her ill mother lay, and retrieved a can of gasoline - intending to burn the house and the philandering couple alive. Typically, Anna leaks gasoline all over the boathouse, and in Alexs attempts to dissuade her sister from what shes about to do she knocks over a lantern, causing the boathouse, her mother, and herself to go up in flames.

The film ends with Anna back in the psychiatric asylum, and it is revealed that our creepy asylum storyteller friend is none other than Mildred Kemp. A little more terrifying than a dream sequence, it turns out that Anna had been unknowingly acting out one of Mildreds stories, and proclaims to her therapist that she was simply finishing what she started.

---

While this film certainly utilised a lot of plot elements from the original film, it differs so vastly that it can barely be called a remake. And aside from Emily Browning being so goddamn gorgeous, Im pretty sure thats why I couldnt hate it. The film is less terrifying and more psychologically thrilling, and unfortunately some of Annas terrifying hallucinations are just downright laughable (OH HAI ZOMBIES!)

While Elizabeth Banks character is not nearly as bitchy as the original films stepmother, shes wonderfully creepy and believable as Mildred Kemp, and I honestly believed she was going to succeed in adding Anna to the body count. While this film definitely isnt the best horror film Ive seen, I recommend watching it for the special effects, because in amongst the cheesy scares, there are some pretty fucking creepy incarnations. And Emily Browning is just friggin gorgeous, so that cant hurt. ;P

Rating: 3/5 sparkles. 

I haven't been on here much lately, although I have been lurking, and here's the reasons why:

- I have an extra subject this year, and in my attempts to not be a total fucking slacker, I've been busy as hale with readings, assignments, lectures and what-not. I'm trying to attend most of my lectures and get my GPA up, although I did leave a lecture halfway through today because the lecturer spent like 20 mins explaining the ABS website. OMG ITS SELF EXPLANATORY

- I has a new job! =D I secured the job about 3 days after I left my horrendous life at Kmart, but I only officially started the other week. It's just cashier work at the Titans football games every other week, and it's nothing too spectacular but I feel so much better about it than I did at my previous job. It's easy, I get to bludge before and after halftime, and it's flexible.

- I joined like 9034805983045 clubs at uni @_@ I joined the Anime Club, the Film Appreciation Club, the Japan Club, and my friends' GERMS club. It sounds like we have ritualistic orgies and get all types of attractive diseases, but it's basically an employment relations club that helps you get a step up in your particular industry.

- I did student mentoring. Surprisingly enough I was awkward at the training, but I had no problem speaking in front of the hundreds of prospective Event Management students at Orientation. I just winged it, made them laugh, and most importantly told them I was going to stab them.

- I've accidentally stalked this guy with a mohawk. Last year I was an accidental stalker of this guy with attractive pink and purple hair *humps*, but now I seem to be everywhere that said mohawk guy is. Some days he's on my bus, in my lecture, in my tute, and then on the bus home. ~smooth.

- I discovered a decade old slot in the girls bathrooms at uni for 'sanitary napkins'. I was game enough to open it and it had years and years of encrusted period blood, toilet paper and vaginal discharge all over it. I really should take a photo.

*Inserts obligatory question at end of blog*
What have you motherfuckers been up to?

Best university email I have ever received:

Dear Staff and Students
 
Recently on the Nathan campus there has been an increasing number of
incidents of a "flasher" exposing himself to passing females.  The areas of
reported incidents have been Ring Road North, East Carpark Stadium Path,
Johnson Path towards the Recreation Centre.  All incidents have been
reported to the Police.  Security staff have also increased their patrols
in these areas.  Please be security aware when walking the campus
bushpaths, avoid walking alone, and report any suspicious behaviour to the
Security Office on ext 7777.

I wish I was at this campus D;

I should be a stalker and try to run into said flasher, Y/Y?

I left my job today.

If you've been following my tweets at all, you'd know that I attended the Soundwave festival in Brisbane yesterday. Unfortunately they rostered me on to work that day at Kmart, and because I didn't have a legitimate excuse (like a uni exam, etc) to not work, everybody told me that the manager would refuse me and make me work, unless I just called in sick. I debated over it for ages, and then ended up calling in sick.

Then I get a call this morning asking if I'm going to come into work today. As far as I knew I wasn't rostered on, and I got to work to find they'd pencilled it in on my roster without telling me. This was pretty much a ploy to get me to come in so they could go off at me. I got to the fitting room and called one of the managers to say that I was here, and that they'd changed my shifts yet again without telling me. She abused me over the phone for several minutes about how she knew I was going to the music festival, and then another manager came in.

Fortunately he was nice, and I spent the next 3 hours bawling my eyes out about several things, before he finally realised I wasn't going to stay at Kmart. If you've read any of my journals, you'd know that I fucking despised this job, but as I told the manager and have documented on here before, I needed the money more than anything. Some kids work at Kmart because they want money and a bit of independence. It wasn't purely that for me.

I'm not an Australian citizen, and because of the odd barriers my family and I have encountered in trying to get citizenship, I don't think I'll become one for a long time. As a result, I don't get HECS (financial backing) from my university, and I have to pay a few thousand every semester to stay enrolled. The funny and annoying thing is, is that if I had a degree I could become a citizen on my own, but I need to be a citizen to help me do my degree! >_>

So regardless of how much I was treated like shit, stressed out and depressed because of my job, I put up with all the bullshit because I need the money. And believe me, I was pretty fucking stressed out. My mental health has plummeted over the past year: I've been medicated and since had my dosage tripled, and am now seeking therapy. Even though my department's (extremely bitchy) manager only worked one weekend every 5 weeks, I still dreaded coming to work and only did so for the money and people.

It's a pity the people didn't give a fuck about me. Everybody in the department ratted on me, and it was the last fucking straw seeing as I've covered for them before, even though they've previously snitched on me. Yeah yeah, I'm a bit of a fucking doormat but I wanted to avoid conflict within my own department - it was hard enough for me to chat and hang out with them then, without them actively hating me. Some of the girls in the department are so fucking slack, but I didn't say shit because being at war makes for some awkward social situations.

So like I said, I cried to one of the managers for over 3 hours (no joke). I told him pretty much all of my problems associated with work, including how the training system is non-existent, and some of the other girls get away with a whole bunch of shit - hey if I'm going down, I might as well drag someone with me. The manager kept asking me if I was sure I wanted to leave, and if I wanted to think about it, but once my mind is made up it's final. It doesn't matter if I'm in hysterics, I'm not going to change my mind.

The trouble I was in was of my own making, but I couldn't believe they would even make a half-assed attempt to get me to stay. I've never felt like a valued employee, so obviously I'm not going to take them seriously if they only tell me when I'm about to leave. They've made me feel like utter shit for almost a year now, and the managers admitted they were furious with me, so what incentive is there to continue to hang around with people who despise me? Why should I just perpetuate a vicious cycle and destroy myself further? No amount of money is worth that.

I always thought my job would better the longer I stayed, that I'd become friends with the managers like many of the staff had. Yeah, didn't happen. I was still treated like a moron, even though I knew that I was smarter than most of the vapid teens working there. Just because I'm quiet doesn't mean I'm stupid, and being a young worker shouldn't equate to being a verbal punching bag. I'm sure that once it sinks in that I no longer have a job and a regular source of income anymore, I'll regret having left. But I know that if I'd stayed for another 6 months or another year, another breakdown would be inevitable.

I know that in every workplace there's a bully and nobody truly likes their job, but that place was so fucking detrimental. The dissidence amongst the team members was ridiculous, but it seemed that I was the only one who ever brought it up, albeit inadvertently. I hope some major fucking change goes down there, and nothing would make me happier than to see that place go down in flames.

Now, on with the job hunt. =/

I posted a journal a while back about the Big Day Out festival, and it's finally rolled around ^_^

This is my timetable for tomorrow, although it's subject to change.

Time	Band	Stage
11.30 - 12.10	The Getaway Plan	Converse Essential Stage
12.10 - 1.15	Tomas Ford / Risenga's Bush Techno	Lilyworld
1.15 - 2.00	The Grates	Blue Stage
2.15 - 2.45	The Ting Tings	Green Stage
2.50 - 3.40	Bullet for my Valentine	Blue Stage
3.40 - 4.30	Sneaky Sound System	Orange Stage
4.30 - 5.25	Pendulum	Blue Stage
5.25 - 6.20	Serj Tankian	Orange Stage
6.20 - 7.20	The Living End	Blue Stage
7.20 - 7.40	Arctic Monkeys	Orange Stage
7.40 - 8.30	The Butterfly Effect	Green Stage
9.00 - 10.00	Dropkick Murphys	Green Stage
10.00 - 11.00	The Prodigy	The Boiler Room

I was originally going to be seeing Infusion and The Ting Tings in the same set time, but I can't be bothered to haul arse across the grounds to the Boiler Room D; So Ting Tings it is. If there's a short set for a band listed here, it's not actually 20 minutes long, I'm just not staying the entire time.

If anybody cares, I'll probably be twittering throughout the day. Check it out here. I'll also be stealthily taking lots of video =D

<3 Jerry

It seems I'm trying to singlehandedly keep the entertainment industry alive in 2009, having gone out to see two movies this week, the second of which being Jim Carrey's latest big comedy, Yes Man. After several years off, followed by various low-key movie roles, Carrey returns to prove that he hasn't lost his comedic touch, with Yes Man quickly becoming the funniest movie I've seen in years.

Yes Man centres around loan approval officer Carl Allen, a well of excuses and rejection; having unintentionally transformed into karma's middle finger after a short-lived marriage and divorce. Spending his days harrassed by his infantile and utterly hilarious boss Norman (Rhys Darby), frequenting Blockbuster and generally being socially retarded, Allen's depressing existence is turned completely on its dull little head after attending a motivational (and slightly terrifying) seminar. With the premise of the seminar being to open the door to opportunity by saying 'yes', Allen takes this to the extreme: being hospitable to the world's most obnoxious hobo and kickstarting the lulz.

As you can imagine, the word 'yes' can have its implications, with some of the crazier of Carl Allen's experiences including snorting hot sauce, serenading a suicidal man, and receiving a blowjob from a toothless old woman. It's through Allen's acceptance of the word 'yes' and its subsequent effects on his life that sees him meet his love interest, Allison, played by the utterly adorable Zooey Deschanel. Allison exists both as a love interest and accompaniment to Carl's 'Yes' program, with her life a mix of spontaneity, random makeouts, and blurry photographs taken while jogging.

As Carl's 'yes' approach to life continues, as does his relationship with Allison, with his life invariably turning to shit as the film reaches its inevitable conflict and climax. Carl's irrational actions over the past few weeks lead to him being suspected on terrorist charges, and his affiliation with the 'yes' program comes to light, predictably causing problems with Allison as she perceives the entire relationship to be a lie. After several weeks spending time with friends Nick (John Michael Higgins) and Pete (Danny Masterson), and another terrifying experience with the 'Yes' program speaker, Carl learns that his literal approach to the program was ultimately wrong. Upon repeating this to Allison, they resume their relationship and the film concludes on a warm and fuzzy note.

With myself and the rest of the theatre's patrons having spent two hours laughing hysterically, I honestly don't have too many bad words regarding the film. The situations are utterly mental, utterly hilarious, and totally reminiscent of Carrey's 90s work in films such as The Cable Guy, Ace Ventura and The Mask. Viewers can ultimately predict how the film will end, although in no way does this put a damper on any of its hilarity. Zooey Deschanel is also wonderful in her role, surprising the audience with her numerous musical performances within the film. 

Perhaps my only criticism of the film is the severe underuse of Danny Masterson and Rhys Darby. Masterson had sporadic humorous moments within the film (including procuring a blowjob from the elderly woman), but Yes Man could ultimately have benefited from a little more of his Hyde-esque slacker charm. Whilst Rhys Darby was also hysterical in his role as Norman, purveyor of nicknames and Harry Potter costume parties, his character is unfortunately booted from the film 3/4 of the way through.

Totally deserving of 5/5 sparkles, although I recommend you purchase some incontinence pads because you're sure to piss your granny panties laughing.

<3 Jerry

In lieu of posting a review of Yes Man (because I cant be arsed), I thought Id do an investigation on a topic which Ive been bitching about continuously lately, and is totally relevant to your life - the annoying coincidences between sci-fi shows The 4400 and Heroes. The 4400 was cancelled after the Writers Strike, although Heroes is still going strong, and theyre strangely similar....

		The 4400	Heroes
	Basis of show:	Ordinary people develop superhuman abilities as a result of experiments and abductions by the future.	Ordinary people develop superhuman abilities as a result of natural selection and human evolution.
	The Good Guys	The National Threat Assessment Centre (NTAC) who track, assess and eventually detain dangerous 4400s.	Primatech (The Company) who track evolved humans and detain dangerous ones in Level 5 lockup.
	The Bad Guys	The 4400 Centre which houses 4400s and enacts shady schemes and research regarding the 4400s.	Pinehearst, a biotechnology company that houses evolved humans and conducts research on them and their abilities.
	Heroic agents	Diana Skouris and Tom Baldwin; NTAC agents without abilities, who eventually develop them as a result of exposure to Promicin	Noah Bennett & various evolved humans; Company agents, a non-evolved human paired with an evolved human
	Villains	Jordan Collier, leader of the 4400 Centre. Wants to give the entire world abilities, and also has the power to remove peoples abilities.	Arthur Petrelli, the evolved human leader who wants to give out abilities to regular humans and can also absorb/remove abilities.
	Source of abilities	A synthetic compound called Promicin, which can be extracted from 4400 blood, and others can train their bodies to produce it.	A section of the brain, related to the individuals adrenal glands. With the formula and catalyst, artifical abilities can be synthesised.
	The Scientist	Kevin Burkhoff; injected himself with an impure version of Promicin which caused him to suffer from a grotesque skin irritation/deformity, and then allowed him to heal himself	Mohinder Suresh; injected himself with an impure synthesised formula, and developed a similar skin deformity and spider-like predator behaviour
	Ability inhibitor	The Promicin Inhibitor; eventually caused the 4400s to become sick with lethal consequences	Shanti Virus; it inhibited abilities but also had the potential to destroy human life
	Similar abilities	- Jordan Collier - power removal - Shawn Farrell - healing ability - Tess, Oliver - mind control - Carl Morrissey - super strength - Jean DeLynn Baker - emits plague spores - Richard Tyler - telekinesis - Maia Skouris - precognition - Heather Tobey - unlocks peoples potential - Mary Deneville- plant manipulation - Gary Navarro - telepathy - TJ Kim - causes homicidal rage in others - Jung Pak - gills, breathes underwater - Boyd Gelder - optical camouflage - Amy Paspalis - can alter probability - Duncan siblings - water manipulation - Jorge Molina - pyrokinesis - Claudio Borghi - can induce temporary precognitive ability in others by touch - Tina Richardson - can erase memories - Dalton Gibbs - superintelligence - Aquino - Invisibility - Phillipa Bynes - bioluminescence - Troy Kennedy - musical prodigy - Meghan Doyle - transmutation - April Skouris - can discern truth - Shannon Reese - emotional relief	- Arthur Petrelli - power removal/absorption - Lindermann, Ishi - healing ability - Eden McCain - persuasion - Niki/Jessica - super strength - Maya - poison emission - Brian Davis - telekinesis - Isaac, Angela, Usutu - precognition - Ando, Paulette - ability supercharge - Brendan Lewis - plant mimicry - Matt Parkman - telepathy - Ricardo Silva - primal rage - Bianca Karina - lung adaptation - Candice Willmer - illusion - Santiago - accelerated probability - Liquid Man - can mimic water - Meredith, Flint - pyrokinesis - Usutu - can induce precognition Spirit Walk through ritual food - The Haitian - can erase memories - Gabriel Gray/Sylar - intuitive aptitude - Claude Rains - invisibility - Dee - luminescence - Monica Dawson - adoptive muscle memory - Bob Bishop - alchemy - Sue Landers - lie detection - Guillame - bliss and horror

Now Im not suggesting that the Heroes writers have plagiarised material from The 4400, because many of the elements Ive mentioned are general and could be applied, or are already found within other sci-fi narratives, such as X-Men. But the sci-fi geek within me finds this extremely interesting, and if I werent so tired Im sure I could pull more similarities out of my arse. ;]

<3 Jerry

It's Tightass Tuesday folks, and my fellow Aussies know what that means - uber cheap prices at the cinema and your local video store. On this particular Tuesday I took the opportunity to see the epic sci-fi thriller, The Day The Earth Stood Still, a recent  remake of a 1951 film of the same name; this time updated for a modern audience. Despite the film going to show that the originality well in Hollywood has well and truly dried up, it made for meagre entertainment with a heavy side of 'Save the Planet' propaganda.


Many people are familiar with the themes and general idea of The Day the Earth Stood Still, the typical 'zomg-aliens-are-invading-the-planet-and-we-might-all-die-but-perhaps-they'll-leave' scenario, which is not only insanely generic, but marred by Keanu Reeves' atrocious acting. I may have adored him in A Scanner Darkly, but I am massively chagrined to say his performance in this film was mediocre at best. Whilst terrifying the audience and other characters with his bizarre double chin, the actor also failed to convey Klaatu's emotionless tone of voice, instead sounding more like he suffered from slight mental retardation.

But if you can ignore Reeves' monotone and awkward loping around the set, Jennifer Connolly and Jaden Smith (Will Smith's son) ~*dazzle*~, explained in a belated manner as a biologist stepmother and grieving son caught up in the midst of an alien attack. Early in the film Connolly's character Helen Benson is recruited by the US government to assist in studying an extraterrestrial spherical vehicle headed for earth. With said sphere arriving neatly in Central Park, Klaatu emerges flanked by GORT, a silicon hybrid alien defense mechanism.

As usual, the US military is rendered impotent with the alien organisms soon proving themselves superior, and mass hysteria ensues all over the world as more spheres continue to land, and everything turns to shit. In fact, the only intelligent thing achieved by the defence forces in this film are the discerning of the true purpose of the spheres by the obnoxious Secretary of State; in that they serve as the biblical Ark - the aliens are attempting to gather members of as many animal species as possible, in order to repopulate the planet after the extermination of the human race. Funny, that.

After frolicking all over the country in her shiny silver Honda, (which involved John Cleese making an appearance that served no purpose whatsoever), Helen Benson eventually dissuades Klaatu from allowing a giant plague of nanites to destroy all traces of humanlife, saving planet Earth in the process. Somehow braving the storm of nanites and arriving at the giant alien sphere in Central Park, Klaatu re-enters the sphere, consequently sending out a giant electromagnetic pulse that seemingly stops GORT's nanite plague, as well as all technology on Earth.

After an obnoxiously long montage displaying how the world's technology has ceased to work, Klaatu and co. then frolic off in their giant spheres, leaving the world with some crazy shit to clean up. Surprisingly enough, the film then cuts to the credits, denying the audience any further answers regarding the fate of the Earth. Sure, we know that Helen Benson, her adorable son, and the obnoxious Secretary of State survive, but what about the rest of the population? Is technology rendered completely useless, or will it begin working again? AND YOU STOLE OUR GIANT SQUID, MOTHERFUCKERS. WE WANT OUR GIANT SQUID BACK.

All in all, I give it 3/5 sparkles. It's entertaining enough, but either don't pay the full admission price or wait for the DVD.

<3 Jerry 

Following a line of cheap and unimaginative merchandise that included Godiva chocolate bars and body glitter, the minds behind the Twilight movie adaptation have fulfilled the dreams of rabid fat chicks everywhere; releasing a perfume that allows the wearer to smell exactly like the failcake main character, Bella.

Containing notes of freesia and lavender, Twilight fans can purchase one 80mL bottle per customer of this scent from Hot Topic and Borders bookstores nationwide for an affordable $48.  Now you too can smell like a lavender steak, hopefully attracting your own old creepy stalker Edward Cullen in the process!


But hang on, that's not all. Of course, if you've read any of my blogs you know that I find the subject of Twilight to be intensely hilarious, bordering on downright infuriating. But regardless of whether or not I agree with certain themes in the popular young adult series, I immediately noticed one major problem in marketing this perfume.




Appropriately incorporating notes such as apple tree wood and red toffee apple, this line (which also includes a body lotion and shower gel) bares a striking resemblance to the aforementioned Twilight perfume. OKAY, IT'S EXACTLY FUCKING IDENTICAL. Perhaps Nina Ricci licensed the use of the bottle, or perhaps the merchandisers were completely shady. With a lack of information on the Twilight scent, we can't be sure whether Nina Ricci is involved or not, but something odd is definitely afoot.

In lieu of an end of year 2008 music list, I figured I'd document all the bands I got a chance to see this year, although the shows definitely weren't as abundant as last year (I had an uncharacteristically dry spell from June till September @_@). I was giving myself aneurysms, trying to order them in terms of awesomeness so I just went chronologically.

1. Something With Numbers (21/1/08) - the singer has a huge jewfro. 'Nuff said.
   
   
2. Operator Please (21/1/08) - they told some naysayers to go suck themselves off.
   
   
3. Anti-Flag (21/1/08) - I <3 Justin Sane. Yeah that's pretty much it.
   
   
4. Kate Nash (21/1/08) - I wasn't too into it, but she was just crazy enough for my liking.
   
   
5. Enter Shikari (21/1/08) - Epic, and I called some guy a cunt before the set. Hilarity ensued.
   
   
6. Regurgitator (21/1/08) - Moshed to them whilst being herded like cattle through a gate.
   
   
7. Hilltop Hoods (21/1/08) - I was jealous of some guy's dancing skillz. Aussie hiphop ftw.
   
   
8. Grinspoon (21/1/08) - FUCKING AWESOME, I TOTALLY JIZZED IN MY PANTS.
   
   
9. Karnivool (21/1/08) - Epic, heavy, and I got harrassed for a bite of my burrito. =/
   
   
10. Brand New (21/1/08) - Jesus shitting Christ, they had like 938549435 guitarists on stage.
    
    
11. Bjork (21/1/08) - I shared my lollies with some random and let another sit in vomit.
    
    
12. Rage Against The Machine (21/1/08) - !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    
    
13. All Time Low (23/2/08) - They talked about getting handjobs under the signing table, lawlz.
    
    
14. The Matches (23/2/08) - I nearly got keystroke, but they were cute and energetic.
    
    
15. Sugarcult (23/2/08) - Even people who didn't like them sung along to Memory & Bouncing off the Walls
    
    
16. Kevin Devine (23/2/08) - I scoffed down awesome vego food as he sung about narcotics.
    
    
17. Shadows Fall (23/2/08) - 3FT LONG DREADLOCKS. I JIZZED IN MY PANTS.
    
    
18. As I Lay Dying (23/2/08) - Pink lightshow. @_@
    
    
19. The Offspring (23/2/08) - Everything I could have wanted, bar Spare me the Details.
    
    
20. Bowling for Soup (9/3/08) - MOTHERFUCKERS MADE MY TOENAILS FALL OFF.
    
    
21. The Vandals (9/3/08) - Most hilarious set ever.
    
    
22. Sum41 (9/3/08) - I caught Cone's pick and nearly had a stroke.
    
    
23. Pennywise (9/3/08) - Didn't pay attention, except for Fuck Authority.
    
    
24. Kate Miller-Heidke (4/5/08) - This girl is amazing. <3
    
    
25. Behind Crimson Eyes (6/5/08) (2/9/08) - Singer is hot, music is tolerable.
     
    
26. Atreyu (6/5/08) - I was screaming so fucking loud, even before Varkatzas got shirtless.
    
    
27. Avenged Sevenfold (6/5/08) - I JIZZED IN MY PANTS. SEVERAL TIMES.
    
    
28. Bullet for my Valentine (6/5/08) - I screamed and frolicked around during Tears Don't Fall
    
    
29. Alter Bridge (2/9/08) - Dude, I was so hooked, despite their abnormally tight shirts.
    
    
30. P.O.D (2/9/08) - Lawlz, the crowd only knew like 3 songs.
    
    
31. Disturbed (2/9/08) - David Draiman in Hannibal Lecter getup <3
    
    
32. Sydonia (24/10/08) - Tribal drumming and growling <3
    
    
33. Machine Head (24/10/08) -Robb Flynn may have made me jizz in my pants.
    
    
34. Slipknot (24/10/08) - HOLY CRAP, I JIZZED IN EVERYBODY ELSE'S PANTS. 

Needless to say, I went through a lot of pairs of pants in '08.

-- Toodles, Jerry

So after much procrastination on my part, which involved not wanting to give any more money toward the Twilight empire; online movie sites being unreliable; and a general dislike of the series on my part, I finally hauled ass to the cinema to see Twilight with a friend. My best bet was going with a friend who has no clue about the series, yet already thinks it's a bit munted, and we arrived to a fully packed cinema on a Tuesday night. And now I shall burden you with my opinions and rants:

This may come as a total surprise, and it certainly did to me, as I found the movie to be much more tolerable than I originally expected. Of course it falls flat in parts, but Catherine Hardwicke's visual adaptation entertained me much more than its novel counterparts, and it definitely justified the creation of thousands of lulzy macros. And just to confirm, I was not influenced by any mind-altering drugs during the viewing. ;]

After months of speculation regarding Kstew and RPattz' acting abilities, I have to say that they pleasantly surprised me, although their portayals of the fictional characters were cringeworthy nonetheless. Kstew was good at playing the awkward and plain teenager Bella, although she seemed to suffer from constant eye and facial spasms whenever she attempted to show emotion, and some questionable choices on behalf of the makeup artists caused her to look slightly cadaverous at times. Her manly voice was initially uncomfortable to listen to as a voiceover, and I couldn't help but be reminded of how Kristen Bell does the Gossip Girl narration so freakin' well.

I also had a few issues with RPattz' portrayal of Edward, even if it was significantly less cringeworthy than I had expected, and I had a raging woman-boner. The biology scene in which Bella and Edward first meet is iconic and awkward, and it seemed as if the movie adaptation took this scene and doused it in crack. Instead of having Edward appear angry and tense at being in such close proximity to Bella, RPattz looks as if he physically vomited in his mouth, and that Bella must smell like sloppy 4 day old turds.

The awkwardness continues throughout the movie, with an obnoxious amount of eyefucking and eye spasms on both ends, and the verbal exchanges between Bella and Edward lacking such flow that you'd be able to have a deeper conversation about explosive diarrhea. I suppose it all draws on Bella's awkwardness from the books, and that inexperience that comes with being a teenager, but at times it just seemed as if the dialogue had been entirely improvised or was otherwise non-existent.

I did mention that I liked some aspects of the movie, however, so I might as well delve into those while I'm on a roll. I liked the fact that Bella's ridiculous lack of coordination was downplayed in the movie, to the point where it's actually adorable and not just worthy of an eyeroll. Alice, Jasper and Emmett were every bit as adorable as they are in the books, although with them being minor characters, we don't get to revel in their adorableness for long (save for Jasper's two demonstrations of that Southern accent). Charlie Swan also happened to be one of the finer points of the movie, offering comic relief and a healthy dose of pornstache in amongst the bad weather and equally bad acting.

Cam Gigandet was also pretty fucking awesome as James, and sadly underused in the movie, leaving me regretting the fact that his character was killed off so early. Victoria also happened to be plenty fierce, and I enjoyed the foreshadowing of Victoria's revenge at the end, that was so close to bordering on cheesy. The foreshadowing of the evil vampires' presence in Forks seemed like an obnoxious neon sign at times, although was appreciated because this particular subplot doesn't kick in until you're literally 3/4 of the way through the book.

Although the sparkling moments in the meadow were every bit as laughable as expected, I was glad that they went for a more subtle effect with Edward's ~*dazzling*~. Sure, it looked like Edward had had an encounter with a RuPaul and a pool full of glitter, but it wasn't quite as ridiculous as it could have been. There were no rainbows floating round the clearing, and Bella's retinas seemed to be intact at the end of the day. I'll also mention that I was fucking ~*dazzled*~ by the prom scene, with the garden reminiscent of A Cinderella Story, and me remarking during the movie that if my prom had been that pretty, I might have actually gone.

So overall, it was laughable, cringeworthy, but ultimately not as pathetic as I'd expected it to be. Despite the fact that this might not mean much, I felt it improved upon the books and RPattz is so fucking hot, regardless of whether or not he showers regularly. I still don't agree with the themes present in the text, and Bella and Edward's relationship is still as unjustifiable as ever, but I'm intrigued as to how they adapt the rest of the saga, and whether or not they'll hire some physio to cure Kstew's facial spasms.

AND SMEYER MAKES A CAMEO. LOLWUT.

-- Toodles, Jerry